Shamed

Tonight I felt compelled to look up the word "shamed". The definition reads in this way: "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable." Now it's my experience that people, me especially, throw out words in a spew. That is saying, in the throws of our expression we rely on what we think is the definition of words instead of what they actually mean. After examining the dictionary, I know for sure that "shamed" is the appropriate word of choice here.

What has happened is this. Several weeks ago I was so bold as to make meatballs. I thought they were pretty good. (And I really did think they were.) Then a few weeks later the Princess says, "oh, hey guess what? I made some meatballs too!" She even went so far as to offer some of them to me. Well, needless to say, I was suspicious because why would the Princess want to share her meatballs with me? Right?

Well turns out she brings me some meatballs, but I had just eaten a huge sandwich, so I couldn't chow down just yet. I put them in my fridge, and many hours later when the hunger strikes, I take them out, heat them up, and start the feasting. It was then that I realized that these meatballs were ridiculously good. I'm not talking like "kind of good". I'm talking, ridiculously freaking good. Like REALLY good. And then all of a sudden I get kind of defensive. I'm saying to myself, "Wait, these meatballs are leagues beyond the deliciousness of the meatballs I made." Even to the point where it would be safe for a food critic to say that my meatballs were 'doggy doo" and the Princess' meatballs were 'orbs of pure joy'." It was then that I experienced "shame" because I felt the "pain" of being "dishonored" by a superior product.

I'm not lying. They were large and juicy and filled with Gorgonzola cheese. Delicious!

So then I feel inclined to text the Princess saying that her meatballs were so delicious, etc.

Feeling this intense shame, I thought that maybe the Princess hadn't brought these meatballs out of kindness, but out of competition. Yes! The Princess clearly had in mind to rub this whole thing right in my face. The fact that her meatballs were so much better than mine. That's why she gave them to me!

She even went so far as to have one of her friends call me from her phone. I saw that the phone said "Princess". I picked up the phone and said, "you shamed me!" And then I heard a man's voice on the other end that explained how he wasn't the princess and that how he had read the blog and thought it was "good". In the background I heard the Princess order this man to treat me with cruelty. Thankfully this man had a beating heart and refused.

Further Rejection

Some of you may remember that several weeks back I drew a picture for the Princess. It was commissioned by her as an image for her birthday dance party extravaganza. She dismissed it as being too "real" and she went on to say that she was going for something more "cartoony". When she asked me to draw another I refused. "No," she said, "Just draw one real quick! Make it more cartoony!" I told her no. She then said, "No! Just draw it real quick! Make it cartoony. That's what I want!"

So I gave in. I drew her something fast. Something I paid little attention to. I drew it hastily and without care. "HERE!" I said with vigor. "Take this!" The princess viewed it and then we went to lunch.


"I can't put that on the flyer for my dance party," she said.


"And why not?" I replied.


"Because you drew a reindeer with his hoof groping his crotch!"


"I did not," I replied with great pride.


"Yes you did!" the Princess Replied. "The reindeer is clearly grabbing his crotch!"


And I want it to be known at this point that I sincerely believed, with all my memory, that I had drawn a dancing reindeer with his hoof upon his chest. It was clear in my mind. I was certain. The princess and I argued for an hour about the presentation of the dancing reindeer. It was then that we finally returned to work and I walked to her desk and I snatched up the drawing to prove her wrong! That my drawing clearly did not display a reindeer with a hoof grabbing its balls! I was wrong and I never heard the end of it. Not from the Princess and certainly not from our good friend Rosencrantz.

A Birthday in Ruins

Yesterday the Princess said that I ruined her birthday because I didn't bring her a sonic blast after lunch. It should be known that a sonic blast was never requested and I was just expected to know that she wanted one based on her track record of constantly wanting a sonic blast.

Fatigue

I was very tired at lunch and I asked the Princess if I could take a nap on her and she immediately became upset and said, "NO! Don't you ever even ask me that again."

Olfactory

Yesterday the Princess snuck up behind me while I was working and asked me if I was wearing "Butt Cologne". The implication being that I smelled so bad, it was as if I had doused myself with the fragrance of an arse. Though I shower regularly and use effective deodorant, the false accusation rendered me both speechless and embarrassed.

Rescuing Language

Over time certain words or phrases that were at one time popular will drift away. A great amount of time will pass, and the word will lay dormant underneath the parlance of our times. And then, when you are on the verge of forgetting it completely, someone will wander along and use the word. They inadvertently rescue the word for you. They dust off the shelves of our memory. Today the princess called me a "dill hole".

Christmas is Coming

I was on hold with a bus comapany today for quite some time. Their automated system played several Christmas songs. One of them was Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas in which the lyrics say "make the yule tide gay".

I told the princess that I was going to "make the yule tide gay" and she said, "that's not all you're making gay."

The Holiday Season

Not long ago, the princess requested that I draw a picture of a dancing Rudolph in commemoration of her upcoming birthday that falls close to Christmas. She said it would be for a flyer she was putting out for her huge dance party extravaganza. I was hesitant at first, as I had drawn things for her before that were, in her eyes, less than satisfactory. But after a couple of weeks of "where's my picture?" and "Is my picture done yet?" I finally gave in and drew this. Although I was uninspired and drew this with a lack of enthusiasm, during the drawing process something changed. I thought, "Hey, you know what? This is actually pretty neat! I like it a lot!" And I was sure the princess would like it as well. I was so confident that I even said to myself, "she is going to LOVE this."

When the princess looked at it she said, "Hmmm. I may or may not use this. I was expecting it to be a little more cartoony."

Sickness

Yesterday the princess was feeling ill, so today I asked her, "Are you feeling better?"

"Partially," she said.

"Does that mean that like your left leg feels good, but the rest of your body doesn't?"

"No," she said, "it means you're dumb."

Then I said: "I'm pretty sure that you feeling 'partially better' does not mean that I am dumb."

I'm Always Lucky

Today the princess and I were riding up the elevator when she said, "Man...I feel like butt, but at least I don't look like butt like you."

Later I suggested that maybe she should have paid for my lunch. I was only joking, but she took offense and told me that I was lucky that she even put her card down at all after I had already put my card down.

Guitar Lessons

Today the princess expressed a desire to learn how to play the guitar. I told the princess that I, in fact, knew how to play the guitar and that I would be happy to teach her the basic elements. The princess then replied, "I'm not ready to make it the priority it needs to be to really learn. Besides, it's a huge risk for you because if I got mad I would probably smash your guitar on your face."

I told the princess that I would not appreciate that and I asked if she would please control her tendencies. She then said, "I make promises for no man."

After this she said that one of her new goals was to make me growl with frustration, as it was something she had made me do twice already. I then read her a headline from CNN and she congratulated me on knowing how to read.

Cheese Dip

Today there was a Food Day at work where everyone brings a potluck item. There happened to be some delicious cheese dip on the counter, but there were no bowls. I had no choice but to rip my Dairy Queen styrofoam cup in half to make a sizable container for the cheese. So I ladled the cheese into my ripped Dairy Queen cup and returned to my desk when Rosencrantz appeared. "What the hell is that?" he asked.

"There were no more bowls," I pleaded.

Moments later the princess appeared and said, "I heard you were being a pig!"

Apparently Rosencrantz spread the news.

A Barbecue Lunch

Today the princess, Rosencrantz, another friend from work, and myself went to lunch at a barbecue restaurant. There I offered to fill up the princess' drink and throw away her trash. Later on that day I said to the princess, "I got you a Dr. Pepper at lunch and I also threw away your trash. Didn't that make you happy?"

She replied, "It doesn't make me happy when you do things you should be doing anyway. It only makes me happy when you do things that I want you to do that you don't want to."

I said, "but I didn't want to do those things for you."

The princes then replied, "but you didn't mind. You had to take like two steps and you SHOULD want to so it's not the same."

It was then that that I asked the princess, "What was your crowning achievement from lunch?"

She replied, "When I told you that you would have to go to the back of the line with your friends since your friend was paying for you and you said you didn't have to do that, but then when you got up to the counter you actually went to the back of the line like I said you would have to do."

I sighed deeply and then I asked, "Well what about from the table specifically? What was your crowning achievement there?"

She replied, "When I told your friend that he didn't have to worry about you dating his niece because in the end you wouldn't have the balls to call her and she would lose interest."

She then supported this statement with the fact that Rosencrantz immediately backed her up.

I then said, "Well I'm just very selective."

The princess replied, "or you're just a pansy."

When we got back to work she sent me a message over the computer that said, "you suck donkey balls."

James Bond

This morning I told the princess that I had a dream. "I was James Bond," I explained, "and I was fighting a guy in a helicopter and the guy put some kind of sticker behind my ear and it had some kind of high pitched frequency that made me pass out. And then all of a sudden I was waking up in the helicopter and it was crashing. I saw the ground through the windshield. There was no way I was going to make it alive." I told the princess that this was when she called me that morning to make sure I didn't need a ride to work, and that the phone call actually saved my life in the dream. "So in a way, you saved my life," I told the princess.

The princess replied: "I save your life everyday by pretending to be your friend."

Crackers

Every day of the week the princess asked me for chocolate, and every time she asked I was not able to fulfill her request. Finally, before the fifth day of the work week I actually went to the store and purchased a gourmet bar of fine dark chocolate made by the Ghirardelli Company. I brought it to work, and I awaited the princess’ predictable request. When no request came I eventually asked, “Am I supposed to tell you I have chocolate, or am I supposed to not tell you I have chocolate due to the calories involved?”

Her reply was terse. “Either way I don’t want any. I went to the movies last night and gorged myself with candy. I do want some crackers though.”

I then told her that I did not have any crackers.

Constructive Criticism

Today the princess was infuriated that the last entry wasn’t about her. Her exact words were, “What the F is this about? It doesn’t have anything to do with with the blog. You’re ruining it.” When I asked her what the solution would be, she said that I was changing things for the worse and that it needed to be about her and only her. She also said that I was not explaining the events of her day accurately. When I asked her if she cared at all for the story of Henry and the odd man that came out of the caverns with the umbrella, her reply was “I didn’t get it.” She then for some reason claimed that I was a bear and that she had a stick and she just kept repeating the words “poke, poke, poke, poke, poke.”

I called on Rosencrantz for a second opinion and he agreed that the last entry was "too metaphysical" and strayed from what appeared to be an "effective formula".

A Day in the Country

Today I took the day off from my scribing duties to venture out into the country. There I was approached by an ogre-like man named Henry who insisted on giving me a tour of the land. He spoke very loudly, he smelled like fish, and I would discover later an unnatural love for sandwiches. "A guy like you out here in the savage wilderness needs a sidekick," Henry said. "Someone who knows his way around. Come this way." He pumped his fist in the air, bobbed his head, and rocked. I admired the landscape as Henry shouted a top notch guided tour into my ear. A real professional he was. I learned things I never new. Things I didn't even think could be true in respects to our understanding of scientific law and accurate history. It wasn't far into the tour that I realized that Henry was just making things up. "These rocks here were originally autographed by Christopher Columbus himself," Henry yelled, "but the Indians rubbed it off because they thought it was disrespectful to their culture. Henry continued: "You'll see where this canyon dips down like it does? What you're looking at is where the dinosaurs used the bathroom. It's a giant toilet. A dino-toilet is what they call that. Let's head to the caverns!"

Eventually Henry and I reached the Grand Lake Caverns, and there out of the darkness we saw a man emerge. He looked at us with great surprise and said, "Whoa there fellas...whoa...easy, easy, easy, we don't want to scare it off!" Then he walked briskly into the woods with an almost skip-like gate. Neither I or Henry knew what he was referring to. Something told me though that this man would show up again.

State of Affairs: A Public Address

Dear Kind and Noble Audience:

In honor of fairness I must disclose to you a few details about my current condition:

1) I have repeatedly begged The Peasantry Scribe Council for a transfer. But each time my requests are met with disapproval, and I am subsequently denied. The council states that I am the only one fit and able to tolerate the princess' behavior.

2) I have also made repeated demands for a proper illustrator. This request is quickly turned down as well, and thus you my kind and noble audience must endure my shoddy interpretations of what is indeed a dire situation. The council claims all the master illustrators are off in the Northern Province of St. Ericsburgh, but I suspect that truly they intend to invest no more in this project than is necessary.

But I digress, and business will carry on as usual, as for better or worse, it is my duty.

Sincerely,

The Lowly Scribe

Accomplishment

Today the princess and I got in a little dispute. She said that my scribe duties were faltering. After I apologized and promised to double my efforts, she told me that she has "learned to have zero expectations of me."

I then told the princess that I had an idea for a Hallmark greeting card that went like this: "Out of our total combined awesomeness, you make up 98.6% of it. I make up 1.2% of it, and the other 0.2% is just the remainder of your awesomeness that just rubs off into the air."

She asked me where I got that from and I told her I just made it up.

"Oh," she said.

After a long period of silence, I was brutally honest with the princess and told her that I had expected her to severely thrash my card idea. She then replied that she was "trying to be nice and that my card idea was dumb." She then went on to say that she thought her hatred was implied, and that by saying "oh" she was "saying a lot with a little."

The princess then made fun of me, saying that I "don't even know how to take allergy medicine". She also claimed that my greatest accomplishment was a meatball, and that the meatball wasn't even good to begin with.

She then said I was a "fly on a trashcan".

I got angry and told her that my greatest accomplishment was not a meatball, and she said that "the fact that I have to say that obviously means that it is."

Eye Contact

Today at Pizzarama the princess did not look at our waitress when she ordered. She was busy texting someone on her blackberry and she said, "lunch pasta with white sauce." When the waitress left, I told the princess that "it was rude to text message while ordering in a restaurant and that she didn't even look at the waitress."

The princess stopped texting, she became very stern, and she peered at me. "I don't have to look at people when I order," she said. Then she went back to texting.

Free Dinner at Casa de Mexico

Today the princess and her work group won a free dinner at Casa de Mexico. Since the dinner was free, and it sounded like fun, I felt compelled to ask the princess if I too could go to Casa de Mexico for free dinner, and the two of us could have a good time together.

"Yes," she said. I became very proud and excited with this answer as honestly I did not expect her to say yes.

"But you'll have to pay for your own meal," she said. "And you have to sit in a booth by yourself, and you have to pretend you don't know me."

Feigning Diarrhea

Today at work the princess wanted brownies and she asked me if I would pretend to have diarrhea and go to sonic for a sonic blast and jalapeno poppers.

I asked her why I had to pretend to have diarrhea to go to Sonic and she explained to me how she was under the impression that I feigned cramps earlier to take an unnecessary break, which was true, but I still didn’t see why I had to fake diarrhea to go to sonic.

Throughout the day, the princess continued to claim that I had diarrhea when I clearly did not. She also won a $100 dollar gift card. I asked her if I could have the gift card and she said, “No. I’m poor and I need it. I have to get my car oil changed and fill up with gas and buy a coffee pot and maybe some food. Either way I’d probably cut it into pieces before I’d let you waste $100 on Imodium AD.”

I asked her what Imodium AD was and she told me it was diarrhea medicine.

Courtship

Today I admitted to the princess that I was confused about a woman who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She is very beautiful and she has been very kind to me. I have been unable to tell if these are innocent, meaningless flirtations, or if I should read something more into her behavior such as maybe she’d like to be in a relationship with me.

So I asked the princess: “This girl talks a lot about her ex-boyfriend and about how they’re broken up. She is also very flirty and touches my shoulder and laughs at my jokes. What should I do?”

The princess said, “I would not interpret any of that as meaning she wants you.”

“But how can I know for sure?” I said. “I’m terrible at judging these kinds of things.”

“Invite her to watch a movie,” the princess explained confidently, “sit next to her on the couch, observe how much cuddling goes on, and feed her wine, lots of wine.”

I took the princess’s advice and approached the woman. “Hey, you want to come over and watch a movie? We’ll sit next to each other on the couch and observe how much cuddling goes on, and I’ll feed you wine, lots of wine.”

The woman’s enthusiasm and kindness recoiled into a noticeable aversion. The transformation was so stunning I thought maybe something hideously grotesque resided on my person. Maybe a pimple was at that very moment erupting on my forehead or maybe there was a repugnant stain from lunch that I missed. Maybe something in my teeth. I frantically inspected myself. She mumbled something along the lines of “you’ve got the wrong idea” before she scurried quickly away from me.

This was when Rosencrantz appeared and insulted me, stating that I was “forged in the fires of Hillbilly Mountain.”

Tired Thoughts of a Calzone

The princess spoke to me in the early morning when she said, "you look tired." There was no communication until the end of the day when she requested first, candy, and then a four course meal delivered to her at her house where she would be resting on her couch. When spaghetti and meatballs were suggested, she quickly countered with "calzone" and then the deal quickly faltered into no plan at all. The scribe was left to contemplate a dreary Monday indeed.

My Boobs are Bigger

For some reason one day when I was giving the princess a ride home I heard her singing a made-up song. "My boobs are bigger," she sang. I looked over and she was bouncing them up and down like they were toys. And then that was it. It was over. Bigger than what I had no idea. But she seemed very happy and very proud. I have no idea what she was thinking about. Her boobs apparently were just bigger than something.

Salad Dressing

Today I spent a good ten minutes at lunch concocting the perfect salad dressing. I had an excellent vinegar to oil ratio, just the right amount of black pepper, red pepper, and salt. The princess I think noticed the special care and attention and felt the need to taunt me. So she picked up my cup of delicious salad dressing and threatened to dump it out on the table. "Princess?" I said with suspicion. "Don't mess with me....Princess?....PRINCESS!!!!" She dumped it all out on the table.

You are Less than a Squirrel

Today, in so many words, the princess told me that I am "less than a squirrel". It started when she gave me her breakfast scraps.

"I feel like a dog," I told her. This then prompted her to think of her own dog she has at home.

"Old Spaniard?" she said. "Are you comparing yourself to Old Spaniard? Do you really think that you are his equivalent?"

I was stunned. "What?"

The princess continued. "You are not Old Spaniard's equal. In fact, you are less than him."

"Are you telling me that I'm less than a dog?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied. "In fact you are less than a squirrel. You should really try to do better."

Saving the Puppy

One night a few weeks ago I found a little puppy wandering alone along a ditch next to a busy road, and I felt obligated to rescue it. Knocking a few doors and approaching a few strangers I was unable to find its owner. So I called the Princess and asked her what I should do. “Bring it to me!” she demanded. “I want a puppy!” So she took the puppy in and I was relieved that the puppy had a caretaker.

Later, upon further investigation and a visit to the vet, the Princess learned that the puppy was actually not a puppy at all, but a full grown Yorkie-like mutt. The vet also concluded that the dog recently had puppies.

“It was probably on the way to its puppies. Way to rip a dog’s family apart,” the Princess said.

Later I asked the Princess, as a joke, if I should “still feel bad about ripping the dog from its babies?”

“You should feel bad about everything you do,” she replied.

The First Day's Lament

Today I took The Princess and my friend Rosencrantz to a local eatery for meat. After lunch, and a much needed break from our labors, I decided that a short country drive would ease our hearts and calm our minds before we had to return to work. The radio played a fantastical, sprightly tune and I thought it would please The Princess if I spoke a very loud and animated narration, as if I were an old wise man telling a tall tale to children from a stage. "It was on this very day many years ago," I said in character, "that a tremendous storm ravaged the village with floods and monstrous winds!" With the frolicking classical music in the background, Roosevelt seemed quite pleased and he laughed heartily. "You sound like a book on tape," he said. Rosencrantz laughed, but The Princess did not.

When we got back to work, before we got out, The Princess said to me: "May I break something in your car?" I hesitated to respond. "It won't be anything of importance," she continued. I didn't know what to say. "You better say yes," The Princess said, "or I'll break something anyway, so you might as well say yes."

What choice was there? "Alright," I said and then she quickly yanked the pencil out from behind my ear, the beloved tool of my trade, and she snapped it into pieces. She was so very pleased, like one is after sex or an amazing dessert. For The Princess, to smash and break things is to experience the thrill of a brief, yet complete satisfaction.

Walking back into our workplace, The Princess remembered the time last Winter when she picked up a snowball and hurled it with great force into my head, forcing an avalanche of snow into the depths of my inner ear. "My ear!" I screamed. "It's in my ear!"

The Princess laughed as she remembered the story with a great sense of pride and accomplishment. But now it was Summer and there was no snow for her to throw at my head. She huffed and said, "you're just lucky there isn't a rock lying around."

We entered our building and stood at the elevator where a beautiful woman emerged and said hello to The Princess. They were friends! For years I had my eye on this woman and longed to introduce myself, but could find no natural way to present myself without being obvious. If she and The Princess were friends then I was in luck! Later I asked The Princess: What was her name? Did she have a boyfriend?

The Princess said, "Her name is Sofia, and yes she has a boyfriend."

"But I don' t think she has a boyfriend," I said. "I've seen her for ages walking around with the same man, but for months now they have not walked together, which leads me to believe she does not have a boyfriend. Being friends, can't you find out if this is true?"

"No," The Princess said. My heart sank.

Later I asked The Princess, "Didn't you think it was funny when I spoke in such an animated way over the classical music?"

"Oh?" she said. "In the car? I wasn't paying attention to you."

"Why are you so difficult?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

"First you outright ignore my attempts to entertain you with my animated performance of a voice over narration, and then you promptly ask if you can break something in my car. When I do not respond you tell me that I better say 'yes' because if I say 'no' you will break something anyway. Even though you are good friends with a girl that I've had my eye on for quite sometime, you refuse to help me gain general knowledge of her relationship status, But some how you find the notion to tell me that I'm 'lucky' there isn't a rock around! Meaning if there were you would hurl it at my face!"

The Princess Smiled. . .