Guitar Lessons

Today the princess expressed a desire to learn how to play the guitar. I told the princess that I, in fact, knew how to play the guitar and that I would be happy to teach her the basic elements. The princess then replied, "I'm not ready to make it the priority it needs to be to really learn. Besides, it's a huge risk for you because if I got mad I would probably smash your guitar on your face."

I told the princess that I would not appreciate that and I asked if she would please control her tendencies. She then said, "I make promises for no man."

After this she said that one of her new goals was to make me growl with frustration, as it was something she had made me do twice already. I then read her a headline from CNN and she congratulated me on knowing how to read.

Cheese Dip

Today there was a Food Day at work where everyone brings a potluck item. There happened to be some delicious cheese dip on the counter, but there were no bowls. I had no choice but to rip my Dairy Queen styrofoam cup in half to make a sizable container for the cheese. So I ladled the cheese into my ripped Dairy Queen cup and returned to my desk when Rosencrantz appeared. "What the hell is that?" he asked.

"There were no more bowls," I pleaded.

Moments later the princess appeared and said, "I heard you were being a pig!"

Apparently Rosencrantz spread the news.

A Barbecue Lunch

Today the princess, Rosencrantz, another friend from work, and myself went to lunch at a barbecue restaurant. There I offered to fill up the princess' drink and throw away her trash. Later on that day I said to the princess, "I got you a Dr. Pepper at lunch and I also threw away your trash. Didn't that make you happy?"

She replied, "It doesn't make me happy when you do things you should be doing anyway. It only makes me happy when you do things that I want you to do that you don't want to."

I said, "but I didn't want to do those things for you."

The princes then replied, "but you didn't mind. You had to take like two steps and you SHOULD want to so it's not the same."

It was then that that I asked the princess, "What was your crowning achievement from lunch?"

She replied, "When I told you that you would have to go to the back of the line with your friends since your friend was paying for you and you said you didn't have to do that, but then when you got up to the counter you actually went to the back of the line like I said you would have to do."

I sighed deeply and then I asked, "Well what about from the table specifically? What was your crowning achievement there?"

She replied, "When I told your friend that he didn't have to worry about you dating his niece because in the end you wouldn't have the balls to call her and she would lose interest."

She then supported this statement with the fact that Rosencrantz immediately backed her up.

I then said, "Well I'm just very selective."

The princess replied, "or you're just a pansy."

When we got back to work she sent me a message over the computer that said, "you suck donkey balls."

James Bond

This morning I told the princess that I had a dream. "I was James Bond," I explained, "and I was fighting a guy in a helicopter and the guy put some kind of sticker behind my ear and it had some kind of high pitched frequency that made me pass out. And then all of a sudden I was waking up in the helicopter and it was crashing. I saw the ground through the windshield. There was no way I was going to make it alive." I told the princess that this was when she called me that morning to make sure I didn't need a ride to work, and that the phone call actually saved my life in the dream. "So in a way, you saved my life," I told the princess.

The princess replied: "I save your life everyday by pretending to be your friend."

Crackers

Every day of the week the princess asked me for chocolate, and every time she asked I was not able to fulfill her request. Finally, before the fifth day of the work week I actually went to the store and purchased a gourmet bar of fine dark chocolate made by the Ghirardelli Company. I brought it to work, and I awaited the princess’ predictable request. When no request came I eventually asked, “Am I supposed to tell you I have chocolate, or am I supposed to not tell you I have chocolate due to the calories involved?”

Her reply was terse. “Either way I don’t want any. I went to the movies last night and gorged myself with candy. I do want some crackers though.”

I then told her that I did not have any crackers.

Constructive Criticism

Today the princess was infuriated that the last entry wasn’t about her. Her exact words were, “What the F is this about? It doesn’t have anything to do with with the blog. You’re ruining it.” When I asked her what the solution would be, she said that I was changing things for the worse and that it needed to be about her and only her. She also said that I was not explaining the events of her day accurately. When I asked her if she cared at all for the story of Henry and the odd man that came out of the caverns with the umbrella, her reply was “I didn’t get it.” She then for some reason claimed that I was a bear and that she had a stick and she just kept repeating the words “poke, poke, poke, poke, poke.”

I called on Rosencrantz for a second opinion and he agreed that the last entry was "too metaphysical" and strayed from what appeared to be an "effective formula".

A Day in the Country

Today I took the day off from my scribing duties to venture out into the country. There I was approached by an ogre-like man named Henry who insisted on giving me a tour of the land. He spoke very loudly, he smelled like fish, and I would discover later an unnatural love for sandwiches. "A guy like you out here in the savage wilderness needs a sidekick," Henry said. "Someone who knows his way around. Come this way." He pumped his fist in the air, bobbed his head, and rocked. I admired the landscape as Henry shouted a top notch guided tour into my ear. A real professional he was. I learned things I never new. Things I didn't even think could be true in respects to our understanding of scientific law and accurate history. It wasn't far into the tour that I realized that Henry was just making things up. "These rocks here were originally autographed by Christopher Columbus himself," Henry yelled, "but the Indians rubbed it off because they thought it was disrespectful to their culture. Henry continued: "You'll see where this canyon dips down like it does? What you're looking at is where the dinosaurs used the bathroom. It's a giant toilet. A dino-toilet is what they call that. Let's head to the caverns!"

Eventually Henry and I reached the Grand Lake Caverns, and there out of the darkness we saw a man emerge. He looked at us with great surprise and said, "Whoa there fellas...whoa...easy, easy, easy, we don't want to scare it off!" Then he walked briskly into the woods with an almost skip-like gate. Neither I or Henry knew what he was referring to. Something told me though that this man would show up again.

State of Affairs: A Public Address

Dear Kind and Noble Audience:

In honor of fairness I must disclose to you a few details about my current condition:

1) I have repeatedly begged The Peasantry Scribe Council for a transfer. But each time my requests are met with disapproval, and I am subsequently denied. The council states that I am the only one fit and able to tolerate the princess' behavior.

2) I have also made repeated demands for a proper illustrator. This request is quickly turned down as well, and thus you my kind and noble audience must endure my shoddy interpretations of what is indeed a dire situation. The council claims all the master illustrators are off in the Northern Province of St. Ericsburgh, but I suspect that truly they intend to invest no more in this project than is necessary.

But I digress, and business will carry on as usual, as for better or worse, it is my duty.

Sincerely,

The Lowly Scribe

Accomplishment

Today the princess and I got in a little dispute. She said that my scribe duties were faltering. After I apologized and promised to double my efforts, she told me that she has "learned to have zero expectations of me."

I then told the princess that I had an idea for a Hallmark greeting card that went like this: "Out of our total combined awesomeness, you make up 98.6% of it. I make up 1.2% of it, and the other 0.2% is just the remainder of your awesomeness that just rubs off into the air."

She asked me where I got that from and I told her I just made it up.

"Oh," she said.

After a long period of silence, I was brutally honest with the princess and told her that I had expected her to severely thrash my card idea. She then replied that she was "trying to be nice and that my card idea was dumb." She then went on to say that she thought her hatred was implied, and that by saying "oh" she was "saying a lot with a little."

The princess then made fun of me, saying that I "don't even know how to take allergy medicine". She also claimed that my greatest accomplishment was a meatball, and that the meatball wasn't even good to begin with.

She then said I was a "fly on a trashcan".

I got angry and told her that my greatest accomplishment was not a meatball, and she said that "the fact that I have to say that obviously means that it is."

Eye Contact

Today at Pizzarama the princess did not look at our waitress when she ordered. She was busy texting someone on her blackberry and she said, "lunch pasta with white sauce." When the waitress left, I told the princess that "it was rude to text message while ordering in a restaurant and that she didn't even look at the waitress."

The princess stopped texting, she became very stern, and she peered at me. "I don't have to look at people when I order," she said. Then she went back to texting.

Free Dinner at Casa de Mexico

Today the princess and her work group won a free dinner at Casa de Mexico. Since the dinner was free, and it sounded like fun, I felt compelled to ask the princess if I too could go to Casa de Mexico for free dinner, and the two of us could have a good time together.

"Yes," she said. I became very proud and excited with this answer as honestly I did not expect her to say yes.

"But you'll have to pay for your own meal," she said. "And you have to sit in a booth by yourself, and you have to pretend you don't know me."