Feigning Diarrhea

Today at work the princess wanted brownies and she asked me if I would pretend to have diarrhea and go to sonic for a sonic blast and jalapeno poppers.

I asked her why I had to pretend to have diarrhea to go to Sonic and she explained to me how she was under the impression that I feigned cramps earlier to take an unnecessary break, which was true, but I still didn’t see why I had to fake diarrhea to go to sonic.

Throughout the day, the princess continued to claim that I had diarrhea when I clearly did not. She also won a $100 dollar gift card. I asked her if I could have the gift card and she said, “No. I’m poor and I need it. I have to get my car oil changed and fill up with gas and buy a coffee pot and maybe some food. Either way I’d probably cut it into pieces before I’d let you waste $100 on Imodium AD.”

I asked her what Imodium AD was and she told me it was diarrhea medicine.

Courtship

Today I admitted to the princess that I was confused about a woman who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She is very beautiful and she has been very kind to me. I have been unable to tell if these are innocent, meaningless flirtations, or if I should read something more into her behavior such as maybe she’d like to be in a relationship with me.

So I asked the princess: “This girl talks a lot about her ex-boyfriend and about how they’re broken up. She is also very flirty and touches my shoulder and laughs at my jokes. What should I do?”

The princess said, “I would not interpret any of that as meaning she wants you.”

“But how can I know for sure?” I said. “I’m terrible at judging these kinds of things.”

“Invite her to watch a movie,” the princess explained confidently, “sit next to her on the couch, observe how much cuddling goes on, and feed her wine, lots of wine.”

I took the princess’s advice and approached the woman. “Hey, you want to come over and watch a movie? We’ll sit next to each other on the couch and observe how much cuddling goes on, and I’ll feed you wine, lots of wine.”

The woman’s enthusiasm and kindness recoiled into a noticeable aversion. The transformation was so stunning I thought maybe something hideously grotesque resided on my person. Maybe a pimple was at that very moment erupting on my forehead or maybe there was a repugnant stain from lunch that I missed. Maybe something in my teeth. I frantically inspected myself. She mumbled something along the lines of “you’ve got the wrong idea” before she scurried quickly away from me.

This was when Rosencrantz appeared and insulted me, stating that I was “forged in the fires of Hillbilly Mountain.”

Tired Thoughts of a Calzone

The princess spoke to me in the early morning when she said, "you look tired." There was no communication until the end of the day when she requested first, candy, and then a four course meal delivered to her at her house where she would be resting on her couch. When spaghetti and meatballs were suggested, she quickly countered with "calzone" and then the deal quickly faltered into no plan at all. The scribe was left to contemplate a dreary Monday indeed.

My Boobs are Bigger

For some reason one day when I was giving the princess a ride home I heard her singing a made-up song. "My boobs are bigger," she sang. I looked over and she was bouncing them up and down like they were toys. And then that was it. It was over. Bigger than what I had no idea. But she seemed very happy and very proud. I have no idea what she was thinking about. Her boobs apparently were just bigger than something.

Salad Dressing

Today I spent a good ten minutes at lunch concocting the perfect salad dressing. I had an excellent vinegar to oil ratio, just the right amount of black pepper, red pepper, and salt. The princess I think noticed the special care and attention and felt the need to taunt me. So she picked up my cup of delicious salad dressing and threatened to dump it out on the table. "Princess?" I said with suspicion. "Don't mess with me....Princess?....PRINCESS!!!!" She dumped it all out on the table.

You are Less than a Squirrel

Today, in so many words, the princess told me that I am "less than a squirrel". It started when she gave me her breakfast scraps.

"I feel like a dog," I told her. This then prompted her to think of her own dog she has at home.

"Old Spaniard?" she said. "Are you comparing yourself to Old Spaniard? Do you really think that you are his equivalent?"

I was stunned. "What?"

The princess continued. "You are not Old Spaniard's equal. In fact, you are less than him."

"Are you telling me that I'm less than a dog?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied. "In fact you are less than a squirrel. You should really try to do better."

Saving the Puppy

One night a few weeks ago I found a little puppy wandering alone along a ditch next to a busy road, and I felt obligated to rescue it. Knocking a few doors and approaching a few strangers I was unable to find its owner. So I called the Princess and asked her what I should do. “Bring it to me!” she demanded. “I want a puppy!” So she took the puppy in and I was relieved that the puppy had a caretaker.

Later, upon further investigation and a visit to the vet, the Princess learned that the puppy was actually not a puppy at all, but a full grown Yorkie-like mutt. The vet also concluded that the dog recently had puppies.

“It was probably on the way to its puppies. Way to rip a dog’s family apart,” the Princess said.

Later I asked the Princess, as a joke, if I should “still feel bad about ripping the dog from its babies?”

“You should feel bad about everything you do,” she replied.

The First Day's Lament

Today I took The Princess and my friend Rosencrantz to a local eatery for meat. After lunch, and a much needed break from our labors, I decided that a short country drive would ease our hearts and calm our minds before we had to return to work. The radio played a fantastical, sprightly tune and I thought it would please The Princess if I spoke a very loud and animated narration, as if I were an old wise man telling a tall tale to children from a stage. "It was on this very day many years ago," I said in character, "that a tremendous storm ravaged the village with floods and monstrous winds!" With the frolicking classical music in the background, Roosevelt seemed quite pleased and he laughed heartily. "You sound like a book on tape," he said. Rosencrantz laughed, but The Princess did not.

When we got back to work, before we got out, The Princess said to me: "May I break something in your car?" I hesitated to respond. "It won't be anything of importance," she continued. I didn't know what to say. "You better say yes," The Princess said, "or I'll break something anyway, so you might as well say yes."

What choice was there? "Alright," I said and then she quickly yanked the pencil out from behind my ear, the beloved tool of my trade, and she snapped it into pieces. She was so very pleased, like one is after sex or an amazing dessert. For The Princess, to smash and break things is to experience the thrill of a brief, yet complete satisfaction.

Walking back into our workplace, The Princess remembered the time last Winter when she picked up a snowball and hurled it with great force into my head, forcing an avalanche of snow into the depths of my inner ear. "My ear!" I screamed. "It's in my ear!"

The Princess laughed as she remembered the story with a great sense of pride and accomplishment. But now it was Summer and there was no snow for her to throw at my head. She huffed and said, "you're just lucky there isn't a rock lying around."

We entered our building and stood at the elevator where a beautiful woman emerged and said hello to The Princess. They were friends! For years I had my eye on this woman and longed to introduce myself, but could find no natural way to present myself without being obvious. If she and The Princess were friends then I was in luck! Later I asked The Princess: What was her name? Did she have a boyfriend?

The Princess said, "Her name is Sofia, and yes she has a boyfriend."

"But I don' t think she has a boyfriend," I said. "I've seen her for ages walking around with the same man, but for months now they have not walked together, which leads me to believe she does not have a boyfriend. Being friends, can't you find out if this is true?"

"No," The Princess said. My heart sank.

Later I asked The Princess, "Didn't you think it was funny when I spoke in such an animated way over the classical music?"

"Oh?" she said. "In the car? I wasn't paying attention to you."

"Why are you so difficult?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

"First you outright ignore my attempts to entertain you with my animated performance of a voice over narration, and then you promptly ask if you can break something in my car. When I do not respond you tell me that I better say 'yes' because if I say 'no' you will break something anyway. Even though you are good friends with a girl that I've had my eye on for quite sometime, you refuse to help me gain general knowledge of her relationship status, But some how you find the notion to tell me that I'm 'lucky' there isn't a rock around! Meaning if there were you would hurl it at my face!"

The Princess Smiled. . .